These words brought me comfort the moment I read them. As much as I long to comfort my child…the one who is no longer with me…how much more does my Father long to comfort me. I only have to allow Him to do so.

Please, remember to pray for those Mothers…the ones who will be missing so dearly their children that are gone…while cherishing the ones they have left.

Remember to pray for those who long to look to their mother for advice…but can no longer receive it. It is a great loss to lose the one who birthed you…whom you’ve know your entire life…who has loved and guided you.

Please pray that they all be able to take their eyes off of themselves, long enough to reach out to help another. It truly is healing to take your raw pain…and use it to find a purpose. Please pray that they all be reminded of all the blessings they have received…through Christ.

Sorry for preaching:)

Love you MORE,
Tasha ♥

To anyone who’s known Dean & I “up close” for any real amount of time, this is not “new” information. But to the “general public”, well, I’d like to give you a little insight into our lives.

Sydney Deann Ives was born 6 months after Dean & I were married. If you haven’t already done the math, that means I was pregnant at our wedding. Started dating in March of 1997…engaged that July…pregnant that October…and married on Valentines Day, 1998. And, as most of you know, Sydney made her appearance on August 5th, that same year.

This has never been a secret, really. Nothing we’ve kept hidden. We’ve always spoken honestly about it, when the topic has come up. However, it’s not our usual opening line upon meeting someone. “Hi! Nice to meet you! We got pregnant out of wedlock!”

I was 23 and living at home with my parents…a Baptist pastor & his wife. Not the ideal “thing” to happen, that’s for sure. I had been taught…and believed…and STILL believe that it’s God’s will that a couple should “wait” until they are married (I Cor. 7:1-4). I just didn’t put that belief into action.

I remember the day. The day I took that pregnancy test…3 times. The day I waited for Dean for what seemed like FOREVER to get home from working out. That was before the days of cell phones for us…so no quick text to find out when we could talk.

I remember I was petrified. I was sick to my stomach, and not for the usual pregnancy reasons. I knew my parents would love me. I knew they would accept me. But I also knew they would be disappointed. I felt a HUGE responsibility on my shoulders, being a pastor’s daughter. Not only would this “situation” be a reflection upon my actions, but I also knew it would come back to rest on their shoulders, as well. What would the congregation think? 

For a second…a brief, tiny second before I told Dean…”the” thought crossed my mind. “Tash, no one knows yet. You could end this before it even gets started…and no one has to know.”

The second that thought was completed, my conscience, also known as the Holy Spirit, gripped me and I knew. “This” was a life (Psalm 139:13-16). There was no way I could end it.

VERY long story short, Dean was supportive. My parents & his parents, although yes, disappointed, loved us unconditionally…and although some people judged us…we were forgiven by God…and that was what mattered most.

Now. Fast forward to April 2008. Sydney was 9…a very mature 9…and for various reasons, I felt it was time to have “the talk”. She was still very much a little girl in so many ways, yet in others, she was was growing into a young woman.

I planned a girls night sleepover. We sent our guys off to bed…and had a little chat. After our discussion…which she took very well, she asked me the question I knew would come at some point. “Mom, did you and dad wait until you were married?” OUCH!

The following conversation took place: ME: “Well, Sydney, how long does it take for a baby to grow in her momma’s tummy?” SYDNEY: “Nine months.” ME: “Well, how long were mommy & daddy married before you were born?” SYDNEY: “Six months….oh.” And silence.

Up until that point, whenever the topic came up that she was born so quickly after our marriage, she would always say, “You and daddy just couldn’t wait to have me, could you?” To which we would always reply, “Nope! We sure couldn’t!” We thought it best to wait until she was able to understand what it all meant, before we explained it all.

I told her that I wish we had waited on God’s timing. I wish we remained inside of His will, as it would have helped prevent some of the issues Dean & I faced in our marriage. But I was also quick to tell her that she wasn’t an accident. She was a SURPRISE! A Surprise is something you didn’t know you wanted, until you got it! I also told her I wish my life could have been a better example to her. Her reply floored me…humbled me…and helped me to realize what a remarkable 9 year old she was:

“That’s ok, Mommy. I’ll learn what NOT to do from your past, and I’ll learn how to live for God by watching you NOW!”

I told her I didn’t deserve her. It’s a moment I will cherish forever. We spent the next day doing little girly things…as I so hated to take a little of her innocence away. We went to the salon…got our hair done…went to lunch…then makeovers at Libby Lou….and one month later, she was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer.

Back to the movie. I could not watch it, and not think of our Sydney. Can you imagine if I’d listened to that fleeting thought to end my pregnancy? If i’d given wings to that thought by dwelling on it? Not only would I have missed out on one of the greatest blessings of my life, but the world would have been deprived of the light and love that was Christ living through her! How many lives WOULD NOT have been touched by her sweet spirit and that beautiful smile? How many people would have NEVER been inspired by her personal faith in Christ through all things? How many WOULD NOT have given their lives to Him?

Please hear my heart..and understand I am passing NO judgment on anyone. I am not writing to make anyone feel guilty or hurt or depressed. I am writing to promote LIFE & PURPOSE…and to remind you all that EVERY LIFE has a PURPOSE given to it by GOD…even yours.

Thank you for allowing me to share. I sobbed all the way home from that movie, as I felt God lay it upon my heart to tell this part of our story. The story of forgiveness, love & redemption…of life and of purpose!

I’m so very thankful for understanding parents. For the Holy Spirit guiding my heart. For the wonderful, awesome blessing of becoming a mommy…Sydney’s mommy (and Carson’s too;) She changed me just by “being”…and my life will NEVER be the same…thank God.

The Libby Lou Makeover, the day after "the talk"

And to that end…we are so excited to announce that Love You More – A Sydney Ives Foundation has chosen a new family…a local family…to sponsor. Christopher is a beautiful 3 year old boy with bone cancer. We will have more info on him to share with you in the near future…but in the mean time, please visit his facbook page here:  http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002982985821

We look forward to the time when we can meet Christopher and his family in person…as we have loved them from afar for quite a while!

Lastly…but certainly not least…it is with a sad, yet relieved heart, that I share some news with you regarding our dear friend Brogan. The Ruppert family was the first family LYM sponsored last July. He had been battling a brain tumor (DIPG) for almost 4 years. On the morning of March 4, 2012, Brogan won his battle with cancer…and walked into eternity.

You may think it strange that I even mention the word “relieved” in the above paragraph…but as a parent who has watched their child suffer from cancer, there is a relief when you know they are finally whole in heaven…a point when you realize you will never have to worry about them again…when they are free from the pain this world has to offer.

I know Brogan’s family feels this, as well. Dean & I were able to attend his services in Maryland. Our little St Jude family was well represented…and so honored to be included in their literal family. We have a forever bond. I often say we are the best friends we wish we’d never had to meet. We would have never chosen the paths we’ve all had to walk…but are so very grateful God led us to one another along the way.

I must share something that stood out to me the most at his service. It was all so beautiful..upbeat & positive...just as Brogan wanted it to be…but there was one special thing that I will carry a picture of in my heart forever.

Their church worship team (including Brogan’s big brother, Keilan on drums) played Chris Tomlin song titled “Not to Us”. I had remembered Melinda (Brogan’s mom) had mentioned it to me in one of our many text messages during the last weeks of Brogan’s life. She loved the line “The children dancing, dancing, dancing. It’s all for You. It’s all for You.” It’s talking about worshiping and praising God…how everything we do…everything nature is…has a purpose to magnify the Lord!

Melinda shared with me how that line made her think of all of our children “dancing, dancing, dancing” in heaven…whole and healed and worshiping God face to face! I will never forget what happened as that line was sung at Brogan’s service. I watched as Melinda, who had just said goodbye to her son, raised her hands to worship God. That image is forever tattooed upon my heart. God’s grace and peace were all over her and her husband, Kobey…and it was such a witness of the power of God to all who were present.

Kobey, Melinda & Keilan…we love you more. We cherish you and pray for you daily…as you allow God to guide you through your new “normal”…whatever that means. You have touched our hearts and lives in ways you can’t even imagine…and we are so proud of what you are allowing God to do in a through you! Always here for you…always praying. Always loving! Live In Peace…Sweet Brogan!

L.I.P. Brogan Kade Ruppert

(PS: The Ruppert family requested that donations be made to LYM in lieu of flowers…in Brogan’s memory. To date, we have received almost $2000 in his honor! Well on our way to sponsoring our next family! LOVE that LYM – A Sydney Ives Foundation is blessed to be a part of Brogan’s legacy. His legacy & Sydney’s LOVES on!

Sydney was made an honorary IceHog in May of 2009, right after she began the hospice portion of her journey. They have been “family” ever since!

It was such a successful event last year, and so much fun! Here are all of the details:

http://icehogs.com.ismmedia.com/ISM3/std-content/repos/Top/News/Registration%20form12.pdf

Benefit: All proceeds will be donated to the Sydney Ives Foundation

Entry Fee: $40 per bowler or $150 for group of 4

Viewing Tickets: $10 each for non-bowlers

Additional Info: 50/50 raffle

Deadline to register: Feb 24th

We are also still looking for business sponsors for the event. We still need a main “TEAL” sponsor, as well as lane sponsorship. For more information, please contact Mary @ brazonesm@icehogs.com

Just come hang out, meet the IceHogs players, have a little fun bowling & help us help other families fighting for the life of their child!

http://vimeo.com/34641004

I recently had a facebook “conversation” with a fellow cancer mom. She is in the heat of the battle…in the middle of the fight for her child’s life…and the decisions she must make regarding his care are proving to be overwhelming.

I could totally relate. I remember the days when we felt that we held Sydney’s life in our hands…when each and every decision seemed to be “life and death” decisions.

Although it was very important that we made informed decisions regarding Sydney’s care, her life or death did not rest in our hands. We will all die one day. No one, not even a doctor, can say exactly how or when that will happen. The power of life and death lies only in God’s hands.

Any time we took control back…any time we thought we had it all figured out, we would start to panic that we were doing something wrong. But every time we surrendered it all to God’s powerful yet tender hands, only then would we find peace.

It’s often difficult to find it, but there is a balance between giving our children the best care we can…and living in fear of our every decision. There comes a time when you have to love and care for them as best you can, and leave the rest in God’s hands.

Whether your child has cancer or not, I believe this principle applies. We cannot live in fear. God doesn’t want that of us! He wants us to trust in Him…in His unfailing, unchanging love and power…to care for HIS children…the children He has entrusted to our care…and whom He loves even more that we can possibly fathom! He wants us to rest is His sovereign grace & peace. 

That is what I pray for you all…a sovereign new year!

Love You More!

“I gave My life to ransom thee. Surrender your all today.”

Wherever He leads, I’ll go. Wherever He leads, I’ll go.

I’ll follow my Christ who loves me so.

Wherever He leads, I’ll go.

When most of us think of the calling on our lives, we think of some grand plan, all drawn out, laid out in front of us…almost like mapquest. “God, show me where I’m going & how long it will take to get there, then I’ll sign up and go!”

I am learning, it just doesn’t seem to happen that way, most of the time. Often, God calls us to where we are right now.

As I read these words to the old hymn above, I thought of Sydney. We don’t like to think of someone being called to walk through cancer, but I believe that it was definitely a part of her mission on earth.

No, sickness & death were never a part of God’s will and plan for this earth, but because of sin, those things are inevitable. I believe God calls some, who will handle it with grace & faith, to walk through such things…to strengthen their relationship with Him, and to be an example to others. Think of Job in the Bible, for instance.

I know Sydney had a very concious choice to make, when confronted with cancer. I remember the moment I told her she had it. I remember her asking me if she was going to die. I remember the words God gave me to comfort her. And I remember her resolute “OK” and nod of her head.

And although she didn’t know exactly where God was leading, she made a choice at that moment to follow. I’m sure the choice had to be made over and over again throughout her journey. But in that moment, I believe that nod of her head and the words, “OK” were her way of saying, “Wherever He leads, I’ll go”.

It was never an easy decision. It was never an easy journey. But she picked up her cross and she followed Him…one little, faith-filled step at a time…all the way into eternity.

Just think of all the lives that have been changed and touched because of her obedience! Think of the mark she has left on this world! Think of the legacy that she’s left behind! Think of the glory she brought to God through her life!

Today, the choice is yours to make, as well. Are you willing to follow?

While working on my book, I came across this journal entry from October 28, 2008. This was 5 months after diagnosis. We were home from St Jude, and trying to find our new “normal”. I journaled about a conversation I had with Sydney that night…one that would change me forever…

October 28, 2008

“ All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.” (2 Cor 4:15)

Saturday night, we were on our way to a birthday dinner for my mom (Happy 39th, mom:-)! We had just dropped Carson off at a Fall/Holloween party that Sydney had been invited to, as well.

In the car ride from the party to dinner, Sydney said, “Mom, I used to be able to do things like that party”, and then started to cry.

I told her that she could have gone. That one of the ladies throwing the party would have stayed right by her side. She said she knew that, but that she didn’t want to go, because she would have had to have help for everything, like using the bathroom, etc.

As she cried in the backseat of the car, I just told her I was sorry that this is happening to her, and that I wish I had all of the answers to make her feel better.

She, in her mature, profound insight, told me that no person has all of the answers…because then we wouldn’t need Jesus. I was humbled and had to smile at her wisdom.

Just when I thought my heart couldn’t be more touched, she said something that literally left me dumbfounded. As she was still crying, she said, “But mom, I am just so thankful, because this cancer has brought me so much closer to God”.

My little ten year old girl was saying that she was thankful for her cancer…because good had come from it…because through it, she has grown closer to God.

She was giving thanks, because she realized that it is all for her good, and that through the grace God has given her…and because it has spread to countless others through her faithfulness…God will be glorified through it.

She prays every night for her oncologist to know Jesus. She is awed to tears when someone says their lives have been changed because of her. She gets it…and gives thanks for it all.

It was a humbling lesson taught to a mom by her “terminal” child. You witness that kind of grace in a child every day, and you can’t help but be forever changed.

Thank you, Sydney, for changing my life in innumerable ways. I love you more!

One thing is for certain…that little girl had a TON of stuff! One of the things she loved most…and had the most of…is stuffed animals! We keep the ones with special memories set aside. They are keepsakes! But the others, we have been giving away in different forms.

We have been giving them away for some time, but it seems they continue to multiply! As I was stacking them,  oh so neatly, an idea struck…actually, Dean suggested something we had thought about doing before.

How many people who have supported us through this journey, would love to have something of Sydney’s…something they could look at and be inspired….something to give as an encouragement to another? How many children have prayed for Sydney…from all over this country…who would love to have something to hold, that always reminded them of their little hero?

So, with that in mind, a plan was formed. While supplies last, for every donation of $20 or more, we will send a stuffed animal from Sydney’s private collection to you!

We don’t want to do this as a marketing thing. We just thought so many others could receive joy from Sydney’s little “friends”. If we can raise money to help other families at the same time…even better!

If you are interested, you can make a donation via PayPal here:

http://sydneyives.com/?page_id=111 

Or you can mail a check to:

Sydney Ives Foundation

1615 Greenmount Street

Rockford, IL  61107

Please know, I will send whatever is available, and will not be able to send specific items. I will let you know when items are no longer available.

Praying you all have a happy Thanksgiving! As you give thanks for your healthy children, remember to pray for those who no longer have their health. Remember to pray for their families. Remember to pray for those who no longer have their children to hold.

God Bless!

Two years have passed since we last held our little girl…two years since we last looked into her beautiful blue eyes. Two years ago, she stepped into glory…and what a LEGACY she has left behind!

It only seems fitting to mark that anniversary with a celebration. Yes. It still hurts. It always will. At times, when the enormity of all we lost that day hits…of how long it has been since we were with her…the pain is as fresh & raw as ever.

But then we see the blessings. We feel the peace. We catch a glimpse of God’s greater purpose. And the joy that fills our hearts in spite of the pain, gives us cause to celebrate.

Sydney was such an inspiration to so many. Her positive spirit, her faith in God and her tenacity to never give up, often serves as a reminder to keep going!

The Legacy Art Show was a great venue to display that spirit and her talent. It made us so proud to be able to feature her “Life” tree series, as well as other original pieces. We knew in our hearts, how excited Sydney would have been for such an event.

The turnout was great & the volunteers were amazing! Over $2500 was raised to help Love You More – A Sydney Ives Foundation support other families who are facing a life threatening illness with their child.

In the next few days, we will post artist info on those who donated their pieces to be auctioned off to raise funds, as well as more photos & video of the event. We continue to be humbled by the outpouring of support and love our family continues to receive. I’m learning that it’s not a small world. It’s that Sydney lived a BIG life!

Thank you all. Because of you, Sydney’s legacy LOVES on!

If you’d like to donate to LYM – A Sydney Ives Foundation, you can do so here: 

http://sydneyives.com/?page_id=111